Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Day LVIII: Morning Trick

If there's a time of day to avoid Josh Plattner, it's the morning.

Not only am I a crotchety beast of a human being...well, yeah, I guess that covers it. When I hear an alarm go off, my body loses all semblance of friendliness and joy and rapidly becomes a DRAGON. Not like a real dragon, obviously, but the well-known acronym which stands for Delusional, Raging, Angry, Grumpy, and Ornery Netherbeast. You've never heard that before? Sorry you're so behind the times...

So, regrettably, that is me in the morning. It's so noticeable that every time I have dated someone (or had a guest for the evening), it has been an immediate disclosure on my part. "Oh, hey, when we wake up in the morning, I am going to be a ratchet beast and don't listen to anything I say because it will be incredibly mean and I won't mean a word of it." I know that doesn't quite make up for it, but it helps, right? Right?!

I have tried hundreds of times over to mediate my morning misbehavior, but nothing seems to work! It's been ingrained for years and years and years. I feel so much guilt for the way I treated my parents in middle and high school. The name calling! The shouting! The mumbled, passive-aggressive comments! What they must have needed to drink to stomach the awfulness of an adolescent Josh.

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad.

(I mean, like, did you always have to turn the light on? That's cruel shit right there.)

But! Recently, I've discovered a trick! It's not foolproof, and it doesn't work immediately. Still, it has proven to significantly improve my mood, energy, and general aura.

Want in on the tip?


Get out of bed, throw on a song, and GO. TO. TOWN.

Do it in the bathroom mirror, do it laying down in bed, do it in the living room when your roommates have already left and you can really serve the house.

For reference, Dida Ritz is "serving the house" in this video:

It doesn't matter what you perform: it's gonna work! If someone as grumbly and terrible as my alter ego, "Gay-Mean-Bitter-Old-Uncle-Josh," can use it for a shot at a better mood, I think it would probably work for anyone.

This morning, for instance, I delivered a truly powerful version of Stay the Night by Zedd, featuring Hayley Williams. True, there was no one to judge how flawless the performance was, but, well, there's no need. When you're as monstrous as this guy in the AM, any little hint of happiness or joy that you can conjure up with some terrible dancing and some well-mouthed lyrics is going to be worth it. 

It's been working rather well over the last week and a half. Perhaps too well:

Someone's snooze button has been a little jealous.

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