Day LVIII: Morning Trick

If there's a time of day to avoid Josh Plattner, it's the morning.

Not only am I a crotchety beast of a human being...well, yeah, I guess that covers it. When I hear an alarm go off, my body loses all semblance of friendliness and joy and rapidly becomes a DRAGON. Not like a real dragon, obviously, but the well-known acronym which stands for Delusional, Raging, Angry, Grumpy, and Ornery Netherbeast. You've never heard that before? Sorry you're so behind the times...

So, regrettably, that is me in the morning. It's so noticeable that every time I have dated someone (or had a guest for the evening), it has been an immediate disclosure on my part. "Oh, hey, when we wake up in the morning, I am going to be a ratchet beast and don't listen to anything I say because it will be incredibly mean and I won't mean a word of it." I know that doesn't quite make up for it, but it helps, right? Right?!

I have tried hundreds of times over to mediate my morning misbehavior, but nothing seems to work! It's been ingrained for years and years and years. I feel so much guilt for the way I treated my parents in middle and high school. The name calling! The shouting! The mumbled, passive-aggressive comments! What they must have needed to drink to stomach the awfulness of an adolescent Josh.

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad.

(I mean, like, did you always have to turn the light on? That's cruel shit right there.)

But! Recently, I've discovered a trick! It's not foolproof, and it doesn't work immediately. Still, it has proven to significantly improve my mood, energy, and general aura.

Want in on the tip?

LIPSYNC!

Get out of bed, throw on a song, and GO. TO. TOWN.

Do it in the bathroom mirror, do it laying down in bed, do it in the living room when your roommates have already left and you can really serve the house.

For reference, Dida Ritz is "serving the house" in this video:

It doesn't matter what you perform: it's gonna work! If someone as grumbly and terrible as my alter ego, "Gay-Mean-Bitter-Old-Uncle-Josh," can use it for a shot at a better mood, I think it would probably work for anyone.

This morning, for instance, I delivered a truly powerful version of Stay the Night by Zedd, featuring Hayley Williams. True, there was no one to judge how flawless the performance was, but, well, there's no need. When you're as monstrous as this guy in the AM, any little hint of happiness or joy that you can conjure up with some terrible dancing and some well-mouthed lyrics is going to be worth it. 

It's been working rather well over the last week and a half. Perhaps too well:

Someone's snooze button has been a little jealous.

Day LII: Snatch Game

The Snatch Game is one of the many ru-curring themes of RuPaul's Drag Race, but it's the show's only repeating main challenge. Sure, there are acting and singing and dancing challenges every season, but the Snatch Game is the only sure-fire portion of the competition. If you're not prepared with a sickening celebrity impersonation?

Pack your bags.

For those not in the know, the Snatch Game is a direct descendent of the Match Game, a popular game show during the 60s, 70s, and 80s. The host asks a question ("Dumb DeeDee is so dumb, she thought a Kardashian was a ___________!) and the two contestants provide an answer for the blanks. The panel of celebrities--and I use that word loosely--also provide an answer a piece in hopes of matching the contestant's response. A match is worth a point and whoever has the most points at the end of the show is crowned the winner.

Of course, this is the Snatch Game, and things are 5394 times better because it's drag queens as celebrities and celebrities as contestants.

And, I gotta say, these girls turnt it. So let's just get into it.

10. Laganja Estranja (bottom two)

Zoe thank you.

Well, okay, most girls turnt it. Some of them fell from the top of my list in a blaze of self-sabotage and crocodile tears. Look. It's one thing to let the pressure of the competition break your guard a bit and provoke an outburst or two. That could almost be labeled natural. It's another thing entirely to break down every week because you're not getting the attention you feel entitled to. I'm still rooting for Laganja because I think there is more to her than we've seen thus far. Do I think she's better than what we've seen so far? Definitely. But if she can't lose some of that entitled bullshit and quippy/attention-seeking garbage, she's not going to last.  

9. Gia Gunn (eliminated)

Kouldn't deliver

I was really hoping that Gia would slay Laganja in the lipsync for your life. It just wasn't in the cards for my pet queen. I will miss Gia's cattiness and gag-worthy facial expressions and hand gestures. I'll miss her air-headed one liners, too. But most of all, I'll miss her appreciation for all things ferocious. She's an excellent artist and performer; I hope the exposure of the show will catapult her into severe stardom. As Kim Kardashian, she fell completely flat. There was NOTHING Kim K. about her. Even the look was generic. If you can't be funny, don't look like the celebrity, and cannot embody any of that star quality, you're not choosing the right character. Was Gia destined to win this? Probably not. But last night, I was sincerely hoping she would send her friend packing.

8. Trinity K. Bonet (safe)

Nicki Minotgreat

Trinity continues to bore the piss out of me. Last night, though, we got a small glimpse of her personality and struggle when she received a message from home and opened up about being HIV positive. I thought her approach to discussing her illness was mature and intelligent and self-aware; maybe she could, I dunno, choose one to incorporate to the rest of the competition? I think she continues to impress, looks-wise, but "you can't buy a personality." And that Nicki Minaj? Is that who were trying to channel? Could have fooled me! And thank you, Bianca Del Rio, for calling that girl out on her wig-switch in the middle of the challenge. If it had been delivered properly, no one would have called it out. But it took her so long that she didn't manage to write down an answer to the question! If you're not going to innovate your own schtick, but instead copy one of the most flawless queens in the herstory of Drag Race, you better fucking deliver. Ooo, lawd, that hit my nerve!

7. Milk (bottom three) 

Recipe for disaster

Oh how the mighty have fallen! Milk has been so impressive outside of the competition. In interviews, on Instagram, in other media: she's completely flawless. But everything she's done up to this point, not including the challenge she should have won (the fist challenge), has been totally bland. Even as a pregnant woman at the Tony's she was underwhelming. Breaks my heart! I see so much talent and nerve and poise in Milk, but she's failed to deliver at nearly every turn. Julia Child was pretty terrible, but nowhere near as unforgivable as her runway look. If you're going to be shocking, at least perfect the look! Her bald cap was clockable and her makeup was a mess. I just hated every minute of it. For once, Santino was right: she could have been more shocking by delivering 100% pure RuPaul eleganza.

6. Darienne Lake (safe)

Now without racism!

Sink or swim, this is not a lake I want to be near right now! Darienne's attitude continues to grind my gears. I cannot say enough good about her humor and charm, but it's all seemed to wash away over the past two weeks, and I do not like what's left on the shore. She had some unfortunate editing this week: we never once saw her even respond to a question in the Snatch Game. Her commentary with the other queens was great, though, and her look was pretty spot on. I wish she would have stepped it up and delivered a performance that was good enough to merit all her belittling and weird attitude shift. It would have been more forgivable. She did look great on the runway, though, so I won't fault her too excessively. Step it up girl, step it up!

5. Courtney Act (safe)

Pretty hot nanny, eh?

Courtney's shining moments were not on the runway or in the challenge this week. She was okay as Fran Drescher, but that was upstaged in three words and a laugh by Joslyn Fox's. She looked beautiful on the main stage, but there were definitely better looking girls up there. She was just very middle of the road. Except when it comes to heart. Courtney has consistently been one of the most genuines, quippy, and friendly queens in the bunch. From poking fun at Bianca going home, to praising Adore for being just the way she is, Courtney is definitely the queen that's in everyone's corner and still manages to outshine most everyone. That's pretty damn dynamic, y'all.

4. Joslyn Fox (safe)

New Jersey? New favorite!

For as much as Joslyn loves Courtney Act, I think Joslyn is right up there with her. She is seriously so surprising! Her charisma is abundant, her charm undeniable. She's perfectly friendly, but not afraid to speak up. Her critiques never come from a place of anger, and she's not reactionary in a way that's upsetting or unwarranted. As Theresa Guidice from the Real Housewives of New Jersey: SHE SLAYED. I don't think she was given enough credit for her performance. I didn't laugh the hardest at her responses, but I did laugh more consistently. She's basically a shoe-in for Miss Congeniality, but wouldn't it be a lovely surprise if she also continued to rise to the top? I would be completely okay with her continued meteoric rise.

3. Bianca Del Rio (top three)

"Only Judy can judge me."

For someone who calls herself the queen of mean, I think Bianca might actually have the biggest heart of the season. From helping Laganja with her makeup or Adore with her appearance or Laganja with her confidence or Laganja with her performance or Laganja with her attitude or Laganja with... Okay, we get it. Bianca delivered a spectacular Judge Judy in the Snatch Game this week, even if she did fall victim to talking over some of the other girls. I understand that's sort of what you get with the Judge, but I didn't think it needed to be as completely crass as Bianca made it. I think what really helped her stand out this week is that Bianca's shade and reading and bitchiness all comes from a constructive place. If it's not for the purpose of fun, she's telling you how it is because she's breaking down another girl's disillusionment. I completely believe in Bianca's character and ability to keep her focus. I wasn't sure about her at first, but she's got another fan in me.

2. Adore Delano (top three)

Anna Nicole, Spelling Champion

I love this girl. She has so much spark and talent and passion: she's my favorite type of drag queen. Anna Nicole Smith was alive and well at the Snatch Game last night; Adore might as well have been a medium, that's how spooktacularly spot-on her impersonation was. She even had Ru rolling in the work room before the challenge had even started! After her awesome moment with Bianca, she looked completely flawless on the runway. I don't care if her dress didn't hit the floor, she looked like a force on the runway. I was living for her hair, for her mug, for her body: it was all on point last night and I hope she continues the trend.

1. Ben DeLaCreme (Winner)

Who's the queen to rule them all?

Girl. Girl. Girl. Have I got my eyes on this one! After (deliberately?!) making the viewing audience upsettingly nervous about her inability to do impressions or a British accent, DeLa rose to the occasion and absolutely destroyed the Snatch Game. As Maggie Smith, she was so deliciously aged and pretentious. I would call her performance one of the three best to ever grace the stage. Additionally, her RuPaul look was the absolute best of the bunch. She basically won the challenge and the runway, and is still one of the very best personalities in the group. DeLa also had my favorite moment outside of the challenge. In the work room, she opened up about his struggles with bullying and the passing of his mom when he was thirteen. It was so vulnerable and thoughtful and precious that I couldn't help but choose it as her photo for this week's screen grab. It chilled me to the bone watching her reflect, literally and figuratively, after being so confident and commanding in the challenge.  The first queen to win two challenges, I have high hopes that DeLa is here for the long haul.


Personal Ranking Week V
Trinity K. Bonet
Laganja Estranja
Gia Gunn
Milk (OMG I KNOW)
Darienne Lake
Joslyn Fox
Courtney Act
Bianca Del Rio
Ben DeLaCreme
Adore Delano

Day XLV: Shade: The Rusical!

When Oxygen gifted us The Glee Project--two seasons was hardly enough--we were exposed to a competition-style reality show that was exclusively focused on musical theatre. Last night, RuPaul's Drag Race gave us a glimpse of just how much better that show could have been with drag queens. Which is not to say it wasn't perfect--other than the winners of each season--but think of what it could have been!

Out of The Glee Project, there also rose a fantastic blog about the show. From here on out, for #WigWednesday, I'll be shamelessly copying Sam Donovan's blog format. Basically: it's going to be one ranked list with photos of each of the remaining queens. I think it's visual and simple and clean: a great way to continue with this recurring set of posts.

Now presenting SHADE! The Rusical.

11. Trinity K. Bonet (bottom two)

Mirroring the same face I made whenever she had screen time

I'm at a loss with Trinity. I sincerely do not find anything about her redeeming or enjoyable. Until I do, she will always be at the bottom of this list. She was especially repulsive last night. Her attitude toward the challenge was so defeatist and whiney. I often wonder if she is intentionally trying to replicate that miserable personality and demeanor of Tyra Sanchez in an effort to recall those same sort of feelings and connections to season two's ultimate winner. She's doing a damn good job of presenting herself as pouty and unlikable. 

10. Laganja Estranja (safe)

Laganja! What are you doing, girl? You're better than this! This episode was weird for me to reflect on because too many of my favorite girls fell to the bottom of the ranking this week. There wasn't much going on in the way of the performance or her look on the runway. In the main challenge, I thought she came across a little ill-prepared. She can dance for days, but there wasn't to point to in way of acting chops or musicality. In Untucked, she had a weird moment. Following a very nice video message from her mom and dad, the other queens started talking about how endearing and great it was for her to hear those words from her parents. Of course, they also poked fun at her definitely not winning the competition like her parents said she would. She got completely defensive and left-fieldy, saying the other girls took that moment away from her and weren't being sisterly. What were they supposed to do?Cry with her for ten more minutes? I dunno; she just didn't hit the mark for me this week. 

9. Darienne Lake (bottom three)

Adele's looking goooooood

Another shocker! Darienne has been one of my very favorites since day one. I love her spunk and drive and humor, but I think she's wearing herself out. I've noticed that many of the more seasoned queens like Bianca, Ben, and even Milk don't have a problem separating their drag selves from the man self. I think there is this creeping tired feeling when it comes to Darienne because she feels like she always has to be "on." But she doesn't! She's charming and engaging when she's not trying SO hard to be impressive. In the challenge she was out-done by her performance partner Gia Gunn. SHE WAS OUTSHINED BY GIA GUNN, YOU GUYS! And while I love Gia in the way I love that you love a dog that consistently shits on your recently shampooed carpets, Darienne should not be working at the same level.

8. April Carrion (eliminated)

Aww, April. I think this poor little deer was just dealt a really bad hand of cards. While she certainly has English down in a way that no other Puerto Rican queen can even come close to, it was unfortunate that an acting challenge and a singing challenge happened so soon in the competition. If there had been more emphasis on the look in either of the challenges that she found herself on the chopping block, I doubt she would have even been close to the bottom. She was a polished and edgy queen that I would have loved to see more from. Maybe they'll bring her back?! A guy can hope. (It certainly doesn't hurt April is a good looking guy, either.)

7. Gia Gunn (safe)

"You ladyboy?"

My little pet queen did a nice job this week! She got into a small shade-tossing match with Bianca, which will likely be a recurring theme, but I don't think she's particularly affected by the bitchiness. Most of the time, she's the mouth behind the berating. As a comedy queen, I thought she really delivered. A horrendous voice, to be sure, but at least she committed and powered through. It reminded me of Alyssa's performance in last year's singing challenge, "Can I Get an Amen?" Alyssa is not a singer, but she was pushing as hard as she could and managed to stay with the pack. Similarly, Gia served it. We'll see if she can keep up next week or if the Snatch Game will swallow her whole.

6. Joslyn Fox (safe)

I'm playing the butch queen.

It's weird to think back to the Drag Race preseason--yes, that's a thing--when Joslyn was one of my very least favorite queens. She continues to prove herself as bubbly, kind, and professional. I thought she was the strongest member of her admittedly weak group of three this week. In addition to consistently performing well, she's also been one of the queens with the most personality. This week, she benefitted from having the best read too! When Ru found out she was going to be the butch queen, she asked Joslyn who she was basing her butch demeanor off of. Without missing a beat, Joslyn retorted: Bianca Del Rio!

5. Milk (safe)

Another good week for Milk. She has been one of the frontrunners since her initial episode, and it's good to see her live up to her potential. Still, I think she could have pushed a little harder this week. She wasn't quite up to the same level that the top three were, even if her runway choices and fashion tastes were stronger than say Ben or Adore. Oh, and she came out pregnant! In the challenge, Milk delivered a strong performance, but she seriously looked like a bad version of Grizabella. Next time you hope a cape and some cat ears are going to keep you on top of this competition, think again. I wish Ru would light a fire under Milk to either show them some true glamor or push her oddity to even higher level. 

4. Adore Delano (top three)

WERQ

Climbing the ranks to be my season six favorite, Adore deservedly placed in the top three this week. What concerns me about Adore is her lack of direction. Michelle JUST read her for not cinching her waist last week and, this week, she delivered another gown without a cinched silhouette. I fully expect her to internalize this advice eventually, but I get nervous that her desire to deliver a silly, naive persona will keep her from capitalizing on everything this opportunity can do for her.

3. Bianca Del Rio (safe)

Sums it up: Bianca up front, Trinity lagging behind.

God this bitch is mean. And, somehow, it's completely charming! Every time she throws out a read--and that would be quite often--it comes off as calculated and part of her character, rather than an attack on performance or appearance. She is a seasoned professional, too, and I definitely see her as the frontrunner at this point in the competition. As we get into some more involved challenges, I don't see how she could possibly misstep, either, because she has delivered at every turn thus far. I know we're only four episodes in, but I don't see Bianca slowing down any time soon.

2. Ben DeLaCreme (top three)

I just love this queen. Out of everyone, Ben is who I would like to hang out with most. She's kind and thoughtful, and keeps a very transparent approach to working with the other queens. As the team captain for this challenge, she stepped up in a way that wasn't even expected of her, and assigned everyone a role that they were capable of delivering. And her own performance was probably my favorite of the night. The shady queen was right up her campy alley. Her look on the runway was another versatile choice, but still very true to her aesthetic. I'm already nervous for her next week as she's very clearly not an impersonator. Keep her in your prayers, y'all.

1. Courtney Act (winner)

Fish. No, literally, fish.

While I think Ben was my favorite in the challenge, there's no way you can deny that Courtney was this week's star. She can sing pretty well, and her acting and comedic timing were absolutely perfect. Just so charismatic and professional, Courtney is basically a shoe-in for this title if she keeps it up. As for her runway look, the girl looks damn good in pink. If Victoria's Secret is looking for a new girl to kill that stage, I think they need look no further than Courtney. Can we all say it together? One, two, three: FISH.

Personal Ranking Week IV

Trinity

April

Joslyn

Gia

Laganja

Darienne

Courtney

Bianca

Adore

Milk

Day XXXI: RuPaul's Big Opening Part 2

It's the second part of the big opening!

Let's jump right into things by taking a look at second set of seven divas.

Bianca Del Rio

Bianca Del Rio is a sassy bitch. I am getting the feeling that she'll be the narrator of this season. She's always waiting in the wings with a snarky quip or cutting commentary on her competition. After winning the first challenge, I fully expect Bianca's personality/ego to swell gloriously. I am very much looking forward to her making it to the reading mini-challenge. I think she will just tear these girls apart. One thing that worries me about Bianca: she can be a little mean! And it's always so calculated and intentional. I don't find her to be mean-spirited, but I worry that she's got some deep cuts lined up for these girls.

Day XVII: RuPaul's Drag Race Season 6 Preview

The wait is over, kittens!

It's totally sad that a television show could bring me so much happiness. I feel completely elevated this time of year solely thanks to my leading lady, RuPaul, and her exquisite television show. I am not trying to exaggerate here--so I wont--but RuPaul's Drag Race is the single best television program in the history of the world.

 #SorryNotSorry

Every Wednesday from here on out, I am dedicating my humble little space to Season 6. That's right, for the remainder of 100 Days of Josh, hump day is officially: Wig Wednesday.

And to kick things off, I'm going to present a breakdown of the cast before the actual premiere date next week! The show starts on Monday, but we'll be watching the episodes every Tuesday night at our humble abode...will you be joining us? We hope so!

Because the show has yet to premiere, I wont be recapping a thing. Instead, I'd like to present this season's 14 queens and my personal ranking of them based off my initial impressions. (Thanks, NewNowNext for these amazing photos of these sickening girls!) Without any further adieu, "Gentlemen, start your engines, and may the best woman win!"

Day XI: Fish

Oh lawd, I am in a much better mood today. Exhaustion looks so good up on me. Somehow, going to bed at 2:30 AM before a work day put me in a much better mood than I have been over the last few days. Will someone please explain that to me? For a person who loves their sleep, I sure function at a happier level with less of it.

Life is weird.

Speaking of weird, I went to the Townhouse last night. For those not in the know, The Townhouse Bar is the oldest gay bar in St. Paul. It's basically a queer VFW. And if you've ever seen my eyes sparkle at VFW karaoke in uptown, you'll understand why I think the Townhouse might just be the happiest place on earth.

Every Wednesday, they host a spectacular event called Pumps & Pearls Revue. Basically, 6-8 drag queens perform three songs a piece for a mildly to excessively drunk audience. Dancing and lipsyncing and generally turning the party, these ladies are the true entertainters of the Twin Cities. It runs very late--clearly--but it's oh-so-worth the expense and exhaustion to watch some of the most high quality performance I've seen in the state.

Day IV: Fatal

"Get a grip, get a life, and get over it."

#Nailography #HouseOfEdwardsFish

I know it's only been four days, but I haven't included nearly enough pictures of drag queens in this blog. Well don't you worry, folks, this will all be changing soon. I cannot wait to do my review of the RuPaul's Drag Race Season 6 Cast before the premiere on the 24th.

(Speaking of which, you're all invited to our humble abode every Tuesday during the season to experience the wonder and drama and light and perfection that is RuPaul's Drag Race. You will not regret it. So get into it.)

But enough about the upcoming season. I really just had a quick thought on Alyssa Edwards for the day because I found myself making one of her signature faces earlier this morning:

Back rolls?!

<--- This one.





This face is typically the result of something strange or shocking. Something unexpected and odd. Like when you see someone begging for change in a three piece suit or when a dog smiles and looks like a little old man with an icky little beard. Or when someone tells you you look like a sausage stuffed in to a two piece and that you had back rolls. (Yes, that's what happened to Alyssa.)

So I am at the post office picking up a package from my delightful brother and his fiance--who cares when Christmas gifts come, they're always welcome!--when I noticed something puzzling behind the postman assisting me. Back on the rack of packages, there was one box that stood out. Not because it wasn't boring and brown and semi-rectangular, but because of its label.

In giant black letters, sprawled across the out-facing side, was the word: FATAL.

And I was like, Se7en much?

Remember when Brad Pitt screams "What's in the Box?!" and it's his wife's head? 

Yeah, I think I'll stick to Christmas gifts.